I read an interesting article on parents and happiness yesterday. Basically it stated that people with kids are less happy that childless people. It also claimed that people with kids will deny this and say that these types of studies (although there have been many that have come up with the same results) are wrong. After reading the article I can understand how and why the results of these studies say that parents are more unhappy than non-parents. But I am not sure that I agree with their definition of happy (and much to my surprise the author of this article also pointed out this possibility).
If happiness is defined as doing what you want whenever you want, then of course people who don't have children are going to be considered happier. When you are a parent your focus shifts from yourself to your children. You tend to do for them rather than for yourself. Especially when they are young, they aren't able to take care of themselves. In those early years it is a parents job to teach them how to be self sufficient, how to care about other people, basically how to be a productive member of society. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that in the moment happiness is put off for parents.
Modern society has also made it more likely that today's parents are less happy, especially mothers. Today, if you aren't out in the workforce, people look down on you. They give lip service to how great it is that you are staying at home to care for your child, but then in the same sentence they ask if you are going back to work once the kids are in school. That's quite the mixed message. Today when a woman chooses not to work she is looked at as if something is wrong with her. As a woman with a PhD in Computer Science I have heard countless times how I am letting women down by not working. How it is my duty to go out and get a job or I am setting women back everywhere. My reply to this is that, in fact I am advancing women because I am making a choice and not being forced to do what I don't want to do. Women fought to have the choices they have today, they didn't fight to be forced to work.
I also think parents today often think they have to be perfect. They are pressured into signing their kids up for every activity that comes along or else they are told that they are putting their kids at a disadvantage for future success. On countless message boards moms and dads are discussing getting personal trainers and signing their kids up for private lessons so that they can get a scholarship to college (and these are 6 and 7 year old kids we are talking about). No wonder parents say they are unhappy. They are taking all the pressure for getting their 6 year old into college.
It isn't their job or even possible for them to get their child into college. A parent's job is to help their children grow and learn. It is to teach them how to become self sufficient and to give them the tools they will need to make their own life choices whether that be to attend college, go into the military, or learn a trade skill. Of course all parents have dreams and hopes for their kids (I hope mine will choose to attend college and I will and do encourage them in this direction), but ultimately it is up to the child what they do with their life. All I can do is give my kids the tools to make the best decisions for themselves.
People are so worried about little Johnny getting a football scholarship. I mean really no one can tell at 7 if a kid is going to be good enough to get a scholarship. And besides, if Johnny is really that athletically inclined it isn't going to matter if he doesn't get a personal trainer now. A person who is that good is going to be that good no matter what (if they decide that is what they want to do).
As parents we need to let kids be kids, like our parents did. Our parents didn't feel the need to entertain us every waking hour. They said "go outside and play" or "you have toys, go play with them" or "go read a book." My mom wasn't my playmate (don't get me wrong she certainly played with us), she was my mom.
I think parenting isn't about being happy all the time. It is about becoming a more complete person; perhaps even a better person. It forces you to be a more selfless person and to realize that sometimes you need to put someone else above yourself. For me, I believe that I have a better, more fulfilling life, as a mother. When I stop and really think about my life and what I want, I realize that I have exactly what I want and that makes me happy. But when I get caught up in outside views (or I am in the middle of handling a sick kid) then I start to question myself. So really, parenting is teaching me how to be a more confident person. It is teaching me how to be a more fulfilled, well rounded, happier person.
